My Heroin

She can do no wrong,

She can be no evil.

I hang onto every word

Her mouth of Madonna speaks.

Like ropes thrown down,

To rescue me,

Then give me no support

When I try to climb,

She teases me with her supposed love.

All I want is to call her mine,

I watch from a safe distance,

As hundreds of other guys dance in and out of her life;

A place I know I will forever stay.

Her happiness means more to me than my own,

I live to see her smile,

And her cutting words

Stab me like a thousand daggers.

But still I close my eyes to see her face.

First thought when I wake

Last thought before I sleep.

I can travel the world

And still she is all I want.

Worlds between us only make me crave her more.

My heroin.

Instant Gratification

Dollar bills rain from the ceiling

Onto the metallic floor.

Gentlemen fill the large chairs,

Outlining the main attraction.

Darkness fills the room.

Make believe fills the atmosphere.

Sweat, cologne, alcohol and sex

Permeate through the room.

Men escape the worries of their lives,

Leaving them at the door,

And unearthing their buried fantasies.

A man is glorified for just a few hours;

Given attention, feeling wanted.

His mind and body stimulated

For the small price of lightening his wallet.

The underlying guilt thrown in the backseat of his car,

Waiting for the ride home.

Jaws of Life

As we approach the scene

All of us crammed in the truck

Our boots clanking against each other

Flashing lights from another station mock our sirens

The object of attention

Merely resembles a vehicle

This light blue Buick Le Sabre

Crumpled and bent

Like an discarded piece of paper

This lifeless scrap of metal

Dominating the life of a girl

The damage needs to be undone

We grab the only tool possibly helpful

I hold the jaws above the crunched machine

A fellow masked firemen places the spreaders on what door frame he can find

We push and pull and pry

In hopes of relieving the victim of her struggle to stay alive

As she is slumped over in the driver’s seat

In a space barely big enough to encase her small body

We cut and break the only parts of the Buick

That aren’t already scattered across the intersection

I stand on the crooked backseat and put all my weight on the spreaders

Opening a space sufficient to save her from this crumpled hunk of metal.

When I see her lifeless leg,

Her knee poking out of a green and black kilt,

Relax from its cramped, bent position

I know the jaws have done their job.

November

November trees were loosening their leaves

And I was loosening my heart.

So many feelings rushed in,

Too many to sort out.

Standing out in the cold,

He told me to sit

As he tapped his hands on his thighs.

Without hesitation,

I did as my heartbeat told me.

His body was warm,

His touch made me shiver,

Making me push closer.

Just he and I sat on the cold, dark porch.

Only the flickering light from the TV inside lit our faces.

Maybe it was the cold,

Maybe it was the forbidden touch,

Maybe it was the alcohol running through us,

Something drew our bodies closer,

Our lips closer.

Both of us taken,

Both of us yearning for the other’s touch.

It was a tryst that shouldn’t be.

Months pass without a word spoken.

A dormant volcano,

Now erupting

Covering my life with its burning lava.

My heart pumps

But my veins are empty.

Past mistakes cut into me.

Eve bit the apple,

And so did I.

Four Seconds

Four seconds go by

As I hold my phone to my ear

Anxiously waiting to hear the familiar voice on the other side.

I know what I want.

I know what I need.

Feel wanted.

Feel needed.

Feel loved.

I pull up to the house on the hill

Wait for you to appear outside my window.

We sit

Side by side

Remembering our days.

Your hand rests on my knee

Attempting to comfort my weary mind.

I begin to stare,

My penetrating stare.

A look you know all too well.

A look you have replayed in your mind countless times.

A look you await and dread.

A look you know you will hurt you in the end.

We gaze into the depths of each other’s wants,

Drawing us closer and closer.

Your kiss sinks deep into my body,

Flooding with confusion, love, and lust.

So many times we have been here.

So many times we have translated our thoughts into words.

So many times we have hidden from everyone.

So many times we have hidden from ourselves.

My heart yells out

What my voice can’t seem to speak.

“Deep, deep down” you say,

“You love me.”

I stay silent,

Only confirming what you know is true.

I pry myself off of you

To begin our long goodbye.

Leaving is your only option,

To free yourself of my poison.

Sunday

College students flood in

To wait for their five dollar coffees.

Indie music fights to create atmosphere

Against the murmurs of people hyped up on caffeine.

Couples fake intrigue in each other’s words.

Girls dressed in last night’s outfit

Stumble in on their high heels,

Trying to cure that dreadful hangover.

Laptops grasp the stares of students

Attempting to finish that paper due in a few hours.

College students’ procrastination is Starbucks’ best friend.

Sunday papers mask the faces of men and women

Searching for a relief from their families.

Churchgoers walk past, shaking their heads

At the delusional souls in need of saving.

Businessmen on cell phones

Wait in line

For their detailed drinks

Which, of course, is handed to them incorrect,

“This isn’t soy!”

“Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I’ll make it again.”

And another expensive concoction is wasted in the trash.

I Wonder What’s Worse

I wonder what’s worse, to forget or be forgotten.

For months I tried to erase the two years I had spent with him.

I attempted to use guys to free me from his face,

Guys who, in turn, used me.

Every night I filled my body

With a different place,

A different drug,

A different person.

I never thought I would be erasing him

From my mind,

My future,

My heart.

Years pass without contact.

Deleting him

From my computer,

My phone,

My room.

Going to extremes to not have him cross my mind,

Along with our shared memories and promises.

I stumble across his smiling face,

Standing next to a brown-haired girl,

The one he replaced me with in his arms.

How quickly he was able to act as if

We had never laid together in his small twin bed,

Never held each other long enough where I had forgotten the touch of his lips,

Never made promises of forever,

Never squeezed my hand three times saying, “I love you”

And I squeezed four times back “I love you too”

I wonder what’s worse, to forget or be forgotten.

I just hope she doesn’t receive those same three squeezes.

I Remember

I remember backing out of the driveway,

His tall, lanky body disappearing as the garage door closed.

I remember nothing of the tragedy,

Which plagued my family, friends and school over the next five days.

I remember laying in the back of an ambulance, in silence,

On my way to the second hospital,

I remember the woman sitting next to me, and the driver arguing

As if I were still in a coma.

I remember seeing the reflection in the mirror for the first time,

Not recognizing the blood encrusted, partly hairless form staring back at me.

I remember my first shower,

Barely able to wash what hair was left on my head; knotty and crunchy.

I remember the dark red blood and shards of glass that pooled around my feet

As I lathered my resurrected body.

I remember a woman came into my hospital room and sat me in a chair;

The first time I felt an electric razor glide across my head.

I remember the just-washed locks of hair falling passed my shoulders

And thinking, “There’s no other option.”

I remember laughing as I was asked to follow the directions

On a box of chocolate chip cookie mix

As the doctor observing me scribbled something in her notebook.

I remember visitors coming in with fake smiles of relief and empathy,

And the stacks of cards and posters sent from school

Filled with empty words and names of girls who despised me.

I remember returning to school with my bald-head hidden by a hat,

And being flooded with hugs and tears

As if I were someone they actually cared about.

I remember standing in front of a chapel full of high school boys,

Thanking them for the care and support that I didn’t even experience.

I remember never getting demerits for my short uniform and late assignments,

Which had been standard for me before.

I remember hundreds of pairs of eyes staring at me

As I walked through the cafeteria;

An experience every girl wants and fears.

I remember my senior speech,

Standing behind the podium, tearing up as I speak about my beloved car

And how she saved my life.

I remember not understanding

When people called me “A miracle”